The One About Butts
DAY 9: WALLET WIPES
“You’ve got a nice butt.”
But it’s hiding a dirty little secret.
The gluteus maximus.
The Big, Beautiful Bum.
Call us Sir Mix-A-Lot, because we like big butts and we cannot lie. We like small butts too, though. And even medium butts!
But there’s one type of butt we don’t like:
A dirty butt.
Because, while butts are beautiful, they’ve been known to do some pretty...ummm...how should we put this...messy things.
“What dat butt do?”
Well, if you’re like most people, “dat butt” does one thing exceptionally well:
And you — being the responsible owner of dat butt — clean it.
Well, you think you clean it. But do you really?
An Incredibly Brief, Honest Assessment of Hygiene on Uranus
Not the planet, though. You know what we’re talking about.
Now, to the assessment:
1. What do you wipe your butt with?
If you answered “toilet paper,” we have some bad news (sit down for this):
“You have a case of The Dirty Butt.”
What’s “The Dirty Butt?”
The Dirty Butt is exactly what it sounds like.
It’s a horrid condition that indicates the owner of said butt has failed to clean it adequately following a bowel movement.
It affects millions of people around the world, but the worst part is:
Those who have it often don’t even know they’re affected!
They walk around with The Dirty Butt every day, sitting their dirty butts on the subway, the park bench, the seat at the restaurant, blissfully unaware of their polluted posteriors.
How Do People Get The Dirty Butt?
We’re gonna answer your question with a few of our own:
How do you wash your dishes?
“Soap and water.”
“Soap and water.”
“Soap and water.”
You’d never wipe a crusty plate, a chocolate ice-cream-stained shirt, or a muddy car with a dry paper towel and say:
“WELP, LOOKS LIKE MY JOB IS DONE HERE…”
Of course not. Because you’re not gross. You’re a lovely human being who takes care of things and cleans them properly.
So why — when your butt is dirty — do you rub it with a piece of toilet paper and say:
“WELP, GUESS I’M TOTALLY CLEAN NOW…”?
Because, while you might be dry, you’re not clean...and you’ve always kind of known that deep down, haven’t you?
The Trouble With Toilet Paper
Wipe. Wipe. Wipe.
*Fast forward 5 minutes.*
*Fast forward 5 more minutes.*
“Holy shit. Will this ever be over!?”
Toilet paper is the devil. There. We said it.
Okay, that’s not entirely true. But here’s what is true:
Toilet paper is not good at cleaning up poop.
It’s too dry. Well, it’s actually completely dry. Because of that, it’s good at wiping, but bad at cleaning.
If you want to wipe poop, keep doing what you’re doing. But if you want to actually clean yourself, keep reading.
The Convenience of Toilet Paper. The Cleanliness of Soap.
There’s one thing toilet paper gets right:
It’s everywhere. You know how to use it. It’s not great, but it’s familiar.
So — what if you could get the ultimate feeling of clean without changing your wiping process at all?
What if you could cure The Dirty Butt with something that’s portable, effective, and familiar?
Introducing Wallet Wipes.
What are Wallet Wipes?
They’re the best thing to happen to your bum since heated seats.
Wallet Wipes are wet wipes, formulated with distilled water and an all-natural antibacterial essential oil blend.
They give you the convenience of toilet paper and the cleanliness of a high-grade all-natural antibacterial soap.
The best part?
You can take them anywhere.
Wallet Wipes are delivered in our patented Cleaning Kit, which contains 3 Wallet Wipes (because sometimes you need more than one) and fits conveniently in your wallet.
We Know Our Sh*t.
As veteran wet wipe connoisseurs, we’ve scoured the market for a product that was:
Portable, but not skimpy
And we found nothing. Some products came close, but when it came down to it, we know that, if we wanted the ultimate in booty botanicals, we’d have to make something of our own.
So, we developed Wallet Wipes to meet all 4 of these criteria.
They’re made with all-natural, 100% organic ingredients, so you can use them with confidence and peace-of-mind.
We’ve formulated a natural, antibacterial blend to completely eliminate The Dirty Butt.
We made it portable but included 3 wipes in each kit. Other companies only have 1 wipe in their portable packages, but we know you need a little more sometimes. ;)
Everybody poops. Our market is endless. We respect you too much to try to make a fortune off you.
What Does a Package of Wallet Wipes Include?
Each Wallet Wipes Beautiful Bum Care Package contains 12 Cleaning Kits. Each Cleaning Kit itself contains 3 Wallet Wipes for convenient cleaning, no matter where you are.
You can choose from any of our 3 proprietary blends.
An invigorating blend of pine and cedarwood that brings to mind fresh spring meadows
A light and airy blend of chamomile and jasmine that leaves your backside feeling fresh and pure
Pumpkin Posterior (Seasonal)
A sensual blend of pumpkin spice and cinnamon, perfect for curling up next to a special friend
Get Wallet Wipes Today
Today, you can take control of your hygiene. You can defeat Dirty Butt once and for all and give your butt the cleanliness it deserves.
Stop wiping, and start cleaning. You deserve it.
[Get Wallet Wipes Today]
100% natural. 100% organic. Antibacterial. Portable. Affordable.